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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Serah (Part III)

I realized I did not know Serah all that well. For instance, I never knew she maintained a Diary. I never knew she cooks really yummy khichdi. In a way, her staying with me was a medium for me to get to know her better.  Our lives continued on parallel tracks. I finally got someone to publish my work, and was working on my book and Serah used to give me my space as well. It was beautiful. Having immersed myself in work I started to not notice the faint signs of misery etched on her face. Realization came in way of her Diary – her most prized possession – the one she guarded with her life.

However today different, she was had gone for her routine check-up. I stumbled upon her diary while searching for sticky notes. I did not read it initially. I just kept it aside, but curiosity got the better of me, ad I started reading…..

Why did he just go?? Am I not good enough, I want to cry out loud. I feel like my soul is ripped apart. I m hurt. My tears do nothing to ease away the pain. Please take me away from this world, or make me strong, real strong. Or give me the courage to kill myself

I was aghast. She had been in so much pain, where was I??? I continued reading …

Tony wants to go too. Why why why… why Is it that no one wants to stay with me?? Am I not good?? Am I not beautiful?? Am I not perfect?? What is itttt????? I was about to cut my wrist when Rajaa called me... isn’t he an angel? I feel I burden him with my troubles. I pretended to be happy when Rajaa called. I thought I could convince Tony to be with me... but he left... like everyone else… Just like Dad left Mum and Mum blamed me. Who do I Blame? Its ME... I am the REASONN …

I could feel my eyes burning. Serah had held so much inside herself, she was a volcano ready to burst open.

I could not gather enough courage to read further. I closed the diary and went back pretending that nothing happened.

Three weeks later, when she went for another check-up, I read her diaries. She had dated almost 9 men, and none of them stood by her. That had broken her up from inside. It had scarred her so bad, that there was no cure, for the same. I realized that she may be under clinical depression, but did not know how to broach upon the subject with her.

8 months later…

Serah was blessed with a baby girl. I insisted they stay back, till the baby turned 2 . She agreed on the staying back bit. However I knew she wasn’t happy. The reason was unknown.

Her Diary opened up a different world altogether. The Serah who wrote the Diary was so different from the Serah whom I knew. I never imagined that a single Human being could handle so much rejection, and still remain human. Serah’s smile never reached her eyes, she seemed Hollow from within.

I read the reason for her unhappiness; or rather worry ,was her baby girl – Raya. She was scared that she would have a fate as her own. She was scared for her baby.

I knew I had to do something to make her feel better. I visited psychiatrists seeking a solution, but neither could help Serah indirectly. They wanted her to be there for the sessions.  I realized that the idea of seeking help affected her emotionally, when I randomly spoke about the same.

After considerable research and understanding on the subject. I finally knew what I had to do, and for that I had to have access to her Diary again.

to be continued ....

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